TĘTE-Ŕ-TĘTE WITH LEAH FURMAN
Exclusive Interview With America's #1 Dating Expert
Furman :
"When we get involved in a relationship, religious differences require
compromise from both partners."
Q:
Your press release contained this statement: "Furman’s premise is that most
non-religious Jews’ feelings about their heritage are in a state of flux
throughout their lifetimes"? What do you mean by "state of flux"?
Leah: I mean that our sense of our Jewish identity is constantly
changing. For instance, when we’re young, many of us equate Judaism with
Hebrew school, and think of the heritage as something that’s foisted upon us
by our parents. When we have our own kids, or start thinking about having
kids, we start to appreciate the traditions of Judaism. Some of us even get
into the spirituality of the religion and start attending services and
lighting Sabbath candles for reasons that are not strictly religious.
Q: In your book, you discussed the problems that can come of dating
someone more or less religious. What religion has to do in strong intimate and
romantic relationship, especially when physical attraction is noticeably
strong?
Leah: Not to underestimate the role of physical attraction, but it is
just one of the bonds that keeps two people together. There’s also the
question of overall compatibility. Our approach to religion is very personal,
but when we get involved in a relationship, religious differences require
compromise from both partners. In the book, I talk about striking a middle
ground between a "love conquers all" optimism and a defeatist attitude.
Q: Are Jewish women -in general- more analytical in their relationships
with men, than non Jewish women? If yes, can you give me a few examples?
Leah: Jewish women and non-Jewish women can be equally analytical and
neurotic…
Q: What are the Golden Rules of dating? Just briefly, what is and what
is not "golden" in a relationship? Can we really adopt rules, specific rules
for relationship?
"Our culture is informed by Christianity’s views of sex.", said Furman.
Leah: The Golden Rule, in general, comes from Hillel, who summed up the
Torah’s teaching with: "Do not do onto others as you would not have done onto
you." By applying this one rule to all facets of a relationship, you come up
with a set of guidelines, rather than rules that are carved in stone.
Q: What do you mean by "Separating Jewish sexual mores from those of
our Christian contemporaries"?
Leah: Our culture is informed by Christianity’s views of sex, which can
be restrictive given that the focus is on "immaculate conception" and vows of
celibacy for the priesthood. Judaism is more relaxed in this department in
that everyone is encouraged to be fruitful and multiply. Judaism is less about
abstinence and more about moderation and self-control.
Q: Are modern Jewish women in cosmopolitan cities more sexually active
than their suburban counterparts?
Leah: That depends on the definition of sexually active. Women in
cosmopolitan cities typically have more sexual partners, but to say that they
have more sex is misleading since more women in the suburbs tend to be in
relationships.
Q: Why (according to your statement) "Being Jewish in the dating world
presents a host of unique challenges"?
Leah: Dating as a Jew is simply different. For starters, many Jews are
looking strictly for a fellow Jew, which leaves out about 98 percent of the
population. Then there’s the question of why…as in, why am I restricting
myself to Jews when I am not even religious? That’s a big one. Many Jewish
singles experience tremendous pressure from their families to stay within the
tribe. Jews who decide to stray from the flock will also have to face the
difficulties that can come with an interfaith relationship. And then there’s
the issue of where to find other Jewish singles. Oy!
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