FAMILY LIVING

FAMILY LIVING

Male teenager sitting on bench

So it's happened, and you're now part of a stepfamily. What next?

Stuck in the middle

If your parents have split up, you might feel torn between them but don't feel bad about getting on with your new life.
It's hard when one of your parents seems to have found a new partner and a new life, while the other is still picking up the pieces. But trying to get on with your stepfamily doesn't mean you're being disloyal - you're just trying to make the best of your new situation.
There's no reason why a new step dad or mum should replace your real parent - they can just play a different role in your life.

Student in park Too many people

It's hard to share a parent with a new family, and most people go through phases of feeling jealous, confused, angry and worried about how the dynamics will work.
It's normal to feel threatened and unsure about where you fit into your new stepfamily or to worry that your parent won't have enough time for you.
Your parent won't be trying to squeeze you out and your new family won't set out to make you unhappy - but everyone will need time to adjust. Unfortunately, parents are people too, and they don't always think through how their actions might be making you feel.
Hating your new stepfamily is normal. Everyone's bound to be making a song and dance about their place in the family, so there's going to be tension. While you probably feel like it's not your problem, if you can compromise a bit and try to be friendly and tolerant, life will probably be a lot easier.
Even if you get on with your stepfamily, you might feel guilty about it because of your other parent. Don't be - you didn't choose this and you deserve to be happy.
If you feel all alone in the crowd of your new family, talk to someone. Someone neutral (a friend, work-mate, counselor) can listen and give you an outsider's view of the situation, while someone who's gone through it themselves can give you advice.

SURVIVING STEPFAMILY

You're not my parent

Being told what to do by someone who isn't even a relative is really hard because you feel like they don't know you - so how can they know what's best for you?
Every family works differently and has a different culture. Your new family will develop its own identity, the trick is to keep calm and to say your piece without blowing your top. That way you'll have a say in the way your new family works and develops.
If you're having problems with your new step-parent, it can really help to have a formal chat with your parent and step-parent to lay down some ground rules. That way, you are all clear about what's what - what they expect from them and also what you expect from them.

Family times table

When your parent and their new partner start having kids, it can feel like you're at the bottom of the pile.
Parents tend to get very excited and a bit over emotional about new babies, so don't take it personally if they seem to be going ga-ga. Likely as not, they behaved just the same when you came along.
It's normal to feel mixed up, jealous and resentful of your parents new 'family' but getting moody won't help. They don't love you any less, even though it can feel like it because you're not getting much attention.
Having to share your parent with new siblings is a worrying thought and it's normal to feel resentful, and even people in non-stepfamilies resent their brothers and sisters.
Try and keep an open mind, and you might find having a younger brother or sister isn't so bad after all. For a start, it'll take the heat off you a bit and probably mean you'll get a bit more freedom.

Cassie's story
Young woman sitting in forest Cassie's parents broke up when she was three. She split her time between living with her Dad's new family and her mum.

"It was a confusing time with lots of upheaval. My step mum moved in with her two children. I don't remember my Dad being there much, so it was like living with a completely new family - one that didn't want me around. I was extra baggage and not exactly easy to live with at that time. Then my half-sister came along and suddenly all the existing children were dropped. I hated her, I hated my step mum and I didn't know my Dad! I missed my mum but she was in no position to take us for more than a day every month." "10 years later my step mum suddenly established herself as a very good friend and I became a slightly awkward but loveable stepdaughter/stepsister! I can't imagine being without my step mum, stepbrother, stepsister and half-sister now. In my opinion, the misery of years 3-15 are far outweighed by a brilliant extended family now."